I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
necessity is the mother of invention
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.