I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Y’all know who you are.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.