I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU