I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.