I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.