I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.


Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*


Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.


Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”


What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.


[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.


TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade


Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…