@Marcmywords2 Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
@MicheleAKALips I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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@Marcmywords2 
@CourtneyBale Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
@junejuly12 Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
@JohnLyonTweets This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@whatsJo It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
@Dad_At_Law Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
@samalmightysam What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
@13spencer [Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
@bobvulfov TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
@djdarrellripley Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…