@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

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@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

@junejuly12

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@whatsJo

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@Dad_At_Law

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

@samalmightysam

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

@13spencer

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@djdarrellripley

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…