I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.