I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.