I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
How high do the levels go?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.