I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.