I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.