I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?