I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Duolingo getting serious.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.
Just know I tried.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)