I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut