I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.