I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.