I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I thought this was funny lol
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why