I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You Might Also Like
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me, too, girl. me, too.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping