I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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This January has 47 Mondays
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?