I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Meowchelangelo
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now