I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.