I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”