I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
You Might Also Like
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?