I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’M CRYINGGG
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.