I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??