I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
OMG 🤣🤣
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.