I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out