I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You Might Also Like
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Always
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot