I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
How high do the levels go?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: