I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.