I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
