I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….