I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”