I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?