I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
honestly, i need both:
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!