@ElenaChainHelp1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

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@chimneyspotter

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@9GAG

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

@Eithercryingor

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@Reverend_Scott

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]