I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL


My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.


You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike


if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s


Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.


I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly


“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]