@KizerBillhelm Mmmmm white people
– sharks
@ElenaChainHelp1 I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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@KizerBillhelm 
@chimneyspotter DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
@Cyd10e My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
@9GAG You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
@dril if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
@david8hughes Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@MisterBombay I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
@Eithercryingor “People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
@mrjohntofu I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
@Reverend_Scott [horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]