I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.