I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*