I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Damn what did I do next