I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.