I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
You Might Also Like
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
i love modern commerce
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what