I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes