I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬