I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”