“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.