“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

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[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.


My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.


Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.


I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.


A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away


Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning


Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help