I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.