I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Safety first
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”