I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
tinder is all about the long game
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.