I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The Struggle
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby