I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.