I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point