I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie