I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
As the Lord intended
Hank is one in a melon.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.